Relationship thrives on security and trust. However, there’s a general perception that ladies are often the less secure partner in a relationship. Women are regarded as security ‘needers’- they want financial security, emotional security, and physical security (little wonder, tall guys with rippling muscles are regarded as the ideal male specimen, for some ladies though, if you get what I mean).
Guys are regarded as the ‘security provider’; a notion that has influenced the dynamics of relationship, in terms of the actions and expectations of both the male and female partners. Ladies often tend to assume the receiving mode, while guys take on the giving role- there are rebels and exceptions though. Ladies expect to receive attention, affection, calls, love, gifts, money…. They consider it their ‘right’ to receive these things; hence, we hear complaints like- ‘he’s not called me all day….’
This mindset has tampered with the security dynamics of our relationship, with a more telling effect on guys. Ok, so he’s expected to be the giver – give time, attention, affection, money, etc.; but when he gives, what does he get? He’s not sure the love he gets in return is not because of what he’s given. He’s got questions on his mind like – would she call me if I haven’t called her? Is she saying ‘I love you’ just because I said it? Am I getting this gift because of the gifts I have given? Hence, he’s really not sure about motives and the depth of love he’s receiving. And though he’s not sure, he might never say anything. He carries on ‘smoothly’, puts up a bold front for ego’s sake, yet he’s not secure in the relationship. It’s easy for a lady to ask, “Do you really love me?” Most men might not ask, yet they wonder if you would not leave them on a whim or stop loving them if the ‘gifts’ stop flowing.
How do we then help our men to feel secure? Is it by refusing their ‘gifts’? Sadly, refusing their gifts is not good for their ego either. So how do we help them? We need to realise that they’ve got needs; they are humans too, even though they like to put up this alpha male facade. Find out what these needs are and meet them. Let them know your love is genuine, that is, if it is genuine. It’s important they know you love them for who they are and not necessarily because of what they give. It’s important he feels secured in the relationship, only then can true intimacy and trust be possible. He won’t let down his guards if he does not feel secure; which could keep your relationship at the superficial level.
Tell him you love him. He won’t know unless you tell him; and he might never ask, so tell him. Don’t be poised to receive all the time, take the initiative at times and be the giver. Call him up, send him a text, check up on him often, get gifts for him, be affectionate, give him attention, etc. Basically, let him know you care about him. I know this could make you feel vulnerable – what if he leaves me or breaks my heart? Would l not be a fool to have given him so much? Remember, he was vulnerable as the giver too, what if you had broken his heart despite all he’s done. More so, every action you take to make another person feel loved and respected, be it your partner or friend, is a seed; and God would ensure your seeds do not go unrewarded. Even if he leaves you, God is able to bring into your life a better man who would love and respect you.
As always, we would love to hear from you. Do you have experiences or insights you would like to share on this issue? Or, you don’t agree with our point of view. Please share your opinion on our Facebook page- www.facebook.com/gemmagazines . Let’s talk about it!